Bullies and Victims

Today a 15 year old gay boy was buried in my hometown. He took his life, and his suicide note revealed that he couldn't face the bullies at school any more.

I feel sad as I'm writing this. And angry.

In the press, people are berating bullies and calling for schools to punish them more. However, this is not a solution. The bullies are not the problem.

People do not bully others because it makes them feel good. Bullies bully out of pain and suffering. They hurt too. We will not resolve the bullying issues by adding more pain, shame, and punishment to any person involved.

Only a shift outside of the villain-victim-hero paradigm will create any lasting change for bullies and their victims.

What can you do as a parent?

Whether your child is a bully or your child is a victim, the same technique will have a transformative impact:

Listen consciously to your child.

Listen until they are finished talking. Listen with your full attention. Breathe deeply while you listen. Shift your body posture frequently. If you must talk, limit yourself to these phrases: "Tell me more" and "And then what happened?"

Don't offer advice. Don't offer to fix it. Simply listen and let them feel. And feel yourself. Join them in full feeling. Breathe.

That is how you break the cycle. Listen consciously to your children.

Thanks for reading.
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Helen Daniels -- Parent Coach
helen@helendaniels.com