Stop Punishing Your Children

The second tip I have for new parents:

Children don't need to be punished. Ever.

Here's why:

When a child has done something 'wrong' (like broken something, hurt another person, acted dangerously) the real results of their action are sufficient to teach them about life.

Children don't enjoy upsetting or hurting someone else, especially their parents. When you are upset about their behaviour, they know that right away. They don't feel good.

If they've hurt another child, they will witness the pain they have caused when the other child cries. They won't feel good.

That experience is sufficient for them to learn about more pro-social behaviour, because children are motivated to feel good.

When you punish a child for a behaviour, you add shame on top of their 'not feeling good'. To protect themselves from feeling shame they will form personas -- some form of a rebel, victim, or overachiever persona.

Shame your child enough and you will start to witness persistent behavioural issues emerge as your child loses contact with her/his essential self.

I know there are hundreds of books written about how to use positive discipline to modify children's behaviour. Some of them are good, however, they all make parenting way more complicated than it needs to be.

When in doubt, remember my first advice: Your child is already whole.

Happy parenting,
love Helen