Katie's blog

     Sometimes in the heat of the moment or the ongoing press of life, remembering all the great stuff we learned simply disappears. When anger rises, or disappointment wilts the bloom of connection, good intentions and good practices often sink into the muck of right now being right.

     We just returned from a gathering of transformation leaders where the purpose was to renew, refresh and learn from each other. Here’s what stands out for me after only a day. We were all coming into the same room through different doorways, and in this vast room everything was welcome.

     Yesterday I experienced a welling up of gratitude for our Facebook community and the quality of conversation that people are generating on our fan page: www.facebook.com/relationshipadvice.  It seems that especially over the last couple of months people have been sharing experiences that they’ve learned from, a depth of understanding of principles that used to meet with blank stares or just plain opposition, and a generosity of spirit that’s a total pleasure

     We have long advocated a body-centered approach to relationship transformation rather than any kind of talking cure. I recently read an article in a professional journal that gave me a condensed (and heavily Latinate) map for the primacy of movement. Here, you’ll see what I mean:

     We are very interested in completely shifting the paradigm in which relationships occur. The old model revolves around conflict, blame and power struggles. When something happens most of the energy goes into whose fault it is, name-calling and attempts to run for the victim position. This model is not only killing our relationship evolution, it’s killing the planet. There is no difference between the way we treat each other and the way we treat the planet.

     Our feline Lucy will stand in the hall and yowl pointedly until one of us comes to clean her litter box. She will plurt and patiently lead us to the place she wants to have arranged for her nap. Yet if she thinks it’s time for more food now, and we’re engaged with something, she’ll make her request, then find a spot nearby and lie down to rest, because she knows she’s going to get fed.  Each day she both repeats and explores, creating a new environment within her secure world.

     Everybody in the self-help movement knows we inherit all kinds of filters and patterns from parents that we load onto our adult relationships. We talk about how to release those old programs in Conscious Loving and other of our relationship books. I’ve discovered a layer under the parental imprint that is in some ways even more powerful—the sibling patterns. In some ways a family is a tribe where members are competing for attention as well as food.

    We posted this quote recently on our Facebook fan page:

“Nothing feeds the center of being so much as creative work.“ (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

     We wrote Conscious Loving (more information on the book HERE) over twenty years ago. Back then books on healthy relationships were scarce, and road maps to create a thriving and long-lasting relationship pretty non-existent. We’ve been delighted that readers have continued to find and use the ideas and practices in Conscious Loving over the years. One key continues to surface over and over: what you do at the Choicepoint.

      When you invest in your close relationships by actively appreciating, your relationships grow in value over time, like a healthy bank account or a plant that you’ve continued to nurture. Most people think of appreciating as fluff, the extra dollop of snuggies after a hard day or the resolution of a fight. They don’t realize that appreciating is one of the best investments you can make in relationships you care about.