"I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers." -John Bradshaw
Conscious Loving Then And Now
We wrote Conscious Loving (more information on the book HERE) over twenty years ago. Back then books on healthy relationships were scarce, and road maps to create a thriving and long-lasting relationship pretty non-existent. We’ve been delighted that readers have continued to find and use the ideas and practices in Conscious Loving over the years. One key continues to surface over and over: what you do at the Choicepoint.
The energy of two people coming into close relationship surfaces emotions, patterns, old “stuff” that hasn’t yet been loved. When that stuff emerges we each have a choice. We’ll get to what we call the Conscious Loving choice in a moment. The Popular Choice is to stonewall, ignore, deny or simply not face and communicate about what is happening. This choice dumps you in to a sequence that is so reliable you can take it to the bank: withhold, withdraw, project. You go back to square one and get to recycle the same issues until you step into revealing at the Choicepoint (which comes up over and over).
Humans are meant to express. Energy rises in our bodies seeking the light. When you or I choose to withhold, it takes actual, measurable, physical energy to make that happen. The act of withholding creates distance—withdraw—and from that distance your partner looks different, weird, wrong—project. Count on it.
How can knowing this actually assist you in creating a conscious loving relationship? Here’s how. Next time you feel distant from your partner or close friend or colleague, ask, what am I not expressing? See what comes up, how your body wisdom surfaces the withhold. It’s usually something simple, such as a feeling. And you probably have good reasons you circulate in your mind about why it isn’t a good time to share. All those good reasons take you down the Popular Choice road, which ends in either spiritual or actual divorce.
In contrast, taking the Conscious Loving choice, you give curious attention to your experience, do your best to describe what you’re noticing in a way that doesn’t blame anyone, and taking healthy responsibility for what you can learn that will lead to creating more connection and love. It starts with a moment of revealing. Are you willing to experience the increased aliveness that revealing brings? Are you interested in rekindling romance over and over? It’s all happenin’ at the Choicepoint.
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